CiTy Of LoNeLy HeArTs

I miss you

2008-10-14T00:54:00.005+02:00

Dear Anonymous,

Many times I thought of writing to you, and because of my over-thinking, I find that I will write you just trash ….but why not? I’m just talking to myself so I don have to decorate it...I only want to know some answers for many questions in my head .Some other times its just anger &I need to blow it up &nothing more …

Well…right now I don know what’s really wrong with me. It’s not loneliness anymore because I’m surrounded with some people not much I admit but really cares for me and loves me for who I am...Maybe I’m just angry of circumstances and problems ruining my mind ;can’t sleep ,don’t want to wake up &hating everything and every upcoming day

Once upon a time my favorite quote was “Tomorrow is a better day”, Today I say…hell no, it won’t differ Tomorrow is only mystery to me &sure it’s not better

*Why this happening …and why we make some decisions we regret taking it the moment there’s no way back

*Why we don’t have a magic wound to make the pain go away from people we love…

*Why once we feel happy in deep inside, we find thorns all around us

*Why when we say this is enough …it never stops

Why and why many questions with no answer…and no way back

I should be happy because of some lovely things I live in and for …but I’m not...cuz while I’m supposed to be smiling, I fight my tears to stop from falling

My dearest of all ….My whole life began with you, you took care of me & raised me good girl. You want to cry but you think it’s not time for it. I promise you, once I have the chance I’ll make it all up to you .if I could change this world to make you I smile...I would if I could, or even if I couldn’t ..I don’t care for anyone in this world as much as I do to you
I wish u could hold me tight right now to give me strength to keep holding on cuz I need to feel you inside me
I miss you a lot, and I’ll do my best to worth your precious trust my dearest of all

I LOVE YOU MOM <3 <3 <3 <3

Goodbye letter

2008-05-28T18:05:00.004+03:00

Dear anonymous

Yesterday was one of the days that I would never understand

I saw u once again

Last time I sent u my letters I told u that I wish I could see you one more time and know how u feel and how r u

But I wish I didn't saw u

I felt many strange things and didn't know how to express it

I acted as if I don know u anymore and that I totally forget everything about you

But it wasn’t true

I didn't want to know anything about u…don believe it it's just a lie

I can't stand seeing u close and not knowing how you feel when I m around even if u feel nothing… I just want to know it

When I find that all I need is to look at u for a moment …and my dignity refuses it

When I find that I want to blame u for every thing did go wrong…and I m speechless

When I want to tell you I'll never forgive u, while my heart bleeds loving you

Will I ever forget it all?

Will I find you erased from my mind

I really want to know

Did u want to know how I do or it wasn’t matter

Did u remember everything or u only remembered just a name

Does u miss me ……..

Will u ever ask me for forgiveness……

Will u ever confess u treated me so wrong……

Oh I wish

And I know that this won't come true

I'll c u later my anonymous friend

Sure I will

Maybe I doubt it

Let me finish it and say ....GoOdByE

يوميات انسان في غابة منافقين

2008-05-07T17:53:00.000+03:00

زي كل يوم بيعدي عليه صحي من النوم و بص في ساعته صلى و دعا لربتا يارب وفقني و ارزقني و حبب خلقك فيا نزل يشوف مصالحه زي اي يوم عادي وصل لمكان دراسته و قابل زمايله بابتسامه زي مالرسول صلى الله عليه و سلم قال" تبسمك في وجه اخيك صدقة" و ابتسمولوا بالمثل و ياريتهم ما كانو ابتسموا ياريتهم كان كل واحد فيهم قال اللي جواه و مطلعش بوشين ازاي ناس تقابل بعض تضحك في وشها و من وراها تنهش فيها "ايحب احدكم ان ياكل لحم اخيه ميتا فكرهتموه" مش فاهمين حاجة زي دي و للا طبع في البشر مش هيتغير و للا ايه و احدة اعرفها شخصيا من اعز اصحابي كويسة جدا جدا جدا و بجد ربنا يحميها بس نعمل ايه محدش بيسيب حد في حاله كله بيتكلم على كله و لو ملقوش حاجة يتكلمو فيها ....هاااااااااتك يا اشاعات يللا هما وراهم حاجة بدل ما كل واحد ياخد باله من نفسه و يركز في الحاجة اللي هوة فيها -اللي هيا دراسته-لا ميبطلوش اذيه مش عارفة اقول ايه ، بس بجد اما الواحد بيشوف ناس بتعامل ناس بالاسلوب دة بيتعب اويييي عايز تقولي حاجة قولها في وشي صارحني بعيبي او بغلطي لو انت صاحب بجد مش يمكن تطلع ظالمني .....بلاش يا سيدي صاحب لو انت انسان ربنا خلقك بمشاعر و احاسيس زي الباقيين لو عايز الناس تعاملك حلو عاملهم بالمثل حرااااااااام حرام نإذي ناس مالهاش ذنب في حاجة و نتكلم عليهم بالسوء و لو عرفنا انننا ظنينا فيهم وحش.... و ماله تلاقو فلان اللي هناك دة بيعمل كذا و كذا و كذا ابه؟ ارض النفاق ؟؟؟فينك ياللي عملت فيلم ارض النفاق نرش حبة حبوب صراحة و ياريت نص شوال مراعاه لشعور الاخرين و امانة و نشيل شوية المصالح تخيلو لما واحدة تقابل صحابها البنات المؤدبين المحترمين-دة في نظرها للاسف- تقابلهم ببشاشة و بروح الاخوة و دول يسلمو عليها عادي و اخر اليوم مرة واحدة يسيبوها تلاقي نفسها في الشارع لوحدها بعد اما كانو حواليها (دة مجاز على فكرة عارفة انه ميتفهمش مبعرفش اشبه بس قلت اجرب )عادي بقى ....عادي اوي الدنيا مبقاش فيها ناس.. بقى فيها وحوش بتنهش في بعض مش بتخاف على بعض و لا تراعي بعض النفاق دة صعب اوي اوي ربنا معاها بقى و انا هحاول اكون جنبها اد ما اقدر يمكن في يوم يعرفو انهم غلطو فيها اوي و ييجوا يعتذرولها و لحد اما دة يحصل مش سايباها لوحدها بس بجد يا جماعة رايكم ايه ؟؟؟ هل دي حاجة انا بس اللي شايفاها و للا ظاهرة النفاق و الناس اللي بوشين دي زادت اوي ؟؟؟؟ طب و ايه الحل ..و لما حد من الناس دول يغلط فينا من ورانا نواجهه و للا نكتم في نفسنا و نسكت و افرض و اجهته و قاللك دة انت بس بيتهيالك و يحرجك هترد عليه تقول ايه و لو مرديتش عليه هتقدر تصمد اد ايه انهي البوست بايه و الله مانا عارفة ازا كان انتهى و للا دي البداية و بس ربنا يرحمنا من الناس المنافقة دي ياااااااااااااااااااارب

2008-05-05T02:01:00.000+03:00

Dear anonymous,

I really miss you so much that I cant handle it& I wish if I could see you anyway …of course you’ll never feel the same for me but I don care anymore,its enough for me seeing you from time to time or only knowing how do u live ..are u happy,are you suffering do u smile and wat makes u cry

So please don take so long to show up again not for my sake could u do it for your lover’s sake ?

Yours truly and forever

2008-05-05T00:02:00.000+03:00

Once ,a friend of mine asked me what is your goal in life ;My answer was to reach the way that I could satisfy my parents with

Right now I’m asking my self why for GOD sake I’ve chosen this to be my goal…Is it because its almost impossible to reach, or Maybe cuz I don know what else should be my goal

Whatever you do its not enough…and GOD I really want to know why :S maybe because I show them that I’m not sure if I do it right. Really I don know

When you find that even after you did things to make them forgive you for a stupid mistake happened long time ago, when you feel that you’ll keep paying for it for the rest of ur life

But time never goes backward

Or maybe wat u do isn’t enough because they’re looking for anyone to let him responsible of everything wrong. Someone who never complains and may take the burden of being the reason of every problem in home

Last time I went home to visit my family I was really happy to see them all but I was totally shocked when I found my mom saying its my fault that my brother failed in collegeL

How come for God sake I don even see them …How come

The only thing I did was to hear with no comment and I promised to handle it and the only reason was to reach my goal” satisfy them” Will it ever work ????

Oh God .Help me make it …give me the strength to carry it all if that’s the only way

A question came to my mind right now ….Is this goal One of those who make u move forward and be something better, or is it kind of destructive one

Doesn’t matter anyway,I can’t give it up its my only goal and never knew another one

2008-02-23T22:40:00.000+02:00

في الاول لما بدات المدونة دي قلت اني لازم اكتب الحاجة بيني و بين نفسي على ورقة و بعدين احطها عشان كدة مبقتش بكتب في المدونة بسبب فكرة التزويق اللي عايزة اعملها
ايه المشكلة لما اكتب كلام مش راكب على بعضه مادام اني حاسة بيه و طالع فعلا من قلبي
المهم يعني حاليا سبت بيتي في المنوفية و نزلت القاهرة عند جدتي عشان منحة دراسية هناك (دراسة و السلام هوة لازم يعني اقول منحة )و طبعا طلعت جد جدا فوق الللازم
لقيت اني مش بس اللي داخلاها و نيتي اطلع منها حاجة كبيرة اكتشفت ان متقبلش الا اللي في دماغهم كدة و بس و دي بقى كانت اكبر مشكلة بالنسبالي لاني دخلت في اولها بمنتهى الجدية و ابتديت اضعف لما حسيت ان الناس معايا مستواهم هايل
و لسة مدخلناش في التراك الاساسي يدوبك بنتجهز للجد :((
الانجلش مكنش مشكلتي كانت مشكلتي مواجهة خوفي
مواجهة الناس و التعامل معاهم
مشكلتي من و نا صغيرة الخجل الزايد عن الحد صح لما اتعود على حد بكون كويسة اوي في تعاملي معاه بس في الاصل انا خجولة جدا
و المشكلة دي مواجهتش حد من زمايلي و دة كان سبب في اني متاخرة عنهم شوية
صحيح بحاول اجاريهم بس ابتديت اتعب و صحيح بتحسن عن الاول بس بردو صعب اوي اوي صعب انك تحس انك بتنحت في الصخر بتغير حاجة انت بقالك 21 سنة عليها
يللا ربنا يستر هحاول اثبت بس يارب اقدر

2007-11-06T00:23:00.000+02:00

dear lonliness,

suddenly i found myself invited to write what goes in my mind and let everyone know it,

without being prepared or even knowing wat 2 say but i realized that it took so long from me to write to u again maybe cuz i know that whatever i did you'll never leave me or give up on me

dear lonliness,

somehow i get used to knowing u and being stuck with u at least u don hurt, u don cheat,u won't leave me , u hear me when i laugh or cry maybe most important of all... u trust me
anyway i just wanted to write to u at first when i started my own blog hope u don mind :)
i may write to u later so wait 4 me we'll have a long speech

yours forever ,

dark angel

2007-11-06T00:16:00.000+02:00

"Loneliness Knows Me By Name"
A SONG FOR WESTLIFE

Loneliness is always looking for a friend
It found me once and it has been around since then
Loneliness is never waiting by the door
It sweeps right through and it will never be ignored
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Loneliness knows everything I keep inside
My endless thought in the silence of the night
Loneliness is the one who made me see
Ain't nobody else who can make a change but me
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?

Life is more and that would be the vacant space
The cried out tears and a never ending maze
I have found what only loneliness provides
A strength within knowing I will find
The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name